[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
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House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
is this a threat
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”