#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
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A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that