[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
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If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.