I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
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COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
constantly working on myself.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.