[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
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Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.