I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You Might Also Like
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.