Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
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Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*