Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
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You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
This checks out
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.