Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
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[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?