Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
You Might Also Like
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Worst Native American name ever.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]