Is….Is this an option?
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”