My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
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If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.