I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
two people or more is called a problem
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you