MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
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I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck