*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.