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Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.