There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.