drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
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Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Very good news from my accountant
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing