Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
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‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?