“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
#Caturday
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.