[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
You Might Also Like
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
then why did i get this email
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
is it earth
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now