My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
You Might Also Like
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
bought wrong eggs
A fake ID that makes you younger
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.