drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
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[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?