why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.