You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
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When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
The Birdles
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I don’t hate children, just yours.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning