Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
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BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.