This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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greetings!
Did a trash talking tree write this?
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
🙅🏻
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Greeting humans vs their dogs
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.