I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?