“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
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The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.