Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Friends that check up on you >
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
wtf management?!
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?