I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
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[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
“That’s what” – She
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.