Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
You Might Also Like
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Anyone want a chair?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Me irl
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now