Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
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There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I hope Alan is OK
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person