[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.