This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
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Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”