Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…