Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.