Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
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“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Here
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?