“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
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Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
That’s easy for you to say
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.