On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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This has made my week.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth