God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
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Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
who wants to go expliring
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.