date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
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I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.