7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
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My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I missed you with all my darts
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
me when i see my girls butt
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
new wife guy just dropped
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am