me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 馃檨
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that鈥檚 probably because it was fried by a chicken
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it鈥檚 not because they love you
They鈥檝e seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Four men having a little fun at an airport 馃榾
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y鈥檃ll wanna be both
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store鈥an into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
I saw a TV for sale for only 拢1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool 鈾ワ笍 I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what鈥檚 it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.