Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
You Might Also Like
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️