Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
me, too, girl. me, too.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”