I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
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Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.