no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.