{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
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It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
BETRAYAL
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.