Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
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Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
How actors in movies eat their food
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!